no love at first sight after the first sight

i hope i die before i get old
it's a shame to die young

suicide is a escape route. the emergency exit. or just fleeing. and death is the solution of all problems, it is the solution of all solutions too. death by its own hands is for cowards. a live being must face it. as a smile throw into the abyss.

but i don't fear the dead. a fear being alive, being a waste of lungs with air without scent. because if a tree falls in the middle of the forest and there's no ear to hear it, there is no sound. and beethoven was almost deaf. anyway, everything is ok, everything is alright, warm, soft and numb.

is it victory? to survive the random illness which kill babies. every year after birthday to celebrate the cycle of seasons. every summer. i'm a winner. second place. i'm the second one after me in auto analysis. watching myself from outside and describing my sight. the sight which prefers the background. the soul which travels in dreams instead of reality.

(deleted phrase)

the descriptions lacks traits. because one image has many words to describe it. and words have many meanings. and every tongue is the ambassador of a mind. misspelling. mistranslated. then i read books. at least i have a word to describe it. i have a meaning to find. to answer. to not be a blank sheet.

sometimes i think i did my best. the best world possible. my miserable efforts were all i could do. i had to fight lazyness, apathy. the rests of my efforts. the power within my breath and the voice. it isn't loud enough to travel across the oceans, between the continents. electromagnetic waves shining from our homes. the light that entered through the windows of my room, shine on me. and be lost. diffused. it's only noise in the radar without power to be noticed, without power to interfere in the main signal. the tv anthems don't throw my face onto the screen, it's me on the mirror. plus the dirty in the glass

i'm not young anymore.
no surprises

carpe diem
memento mori