oktoberfest

october is going on. and there is not much to say about it. because it's only a numb transition. but i'm addicted to news, paper or screen. and all the news become slow when i read them too often. it makes a feeling that everything is the same. all i can see is something slightly different of what i saw yesterday. american elections. bank crisis. oktoberfest. and the guy who hijacked his ex-girlfriend

of course that last sentence has something to do with me. it makes me understand a bit more about my october. once i was more insane than today and an extremist when the matter was passion. i met one of my ex-girlfriends october 19 of 2004. in march of 2005 it was over but i wouldn't let myself realize it was over. then i wanted to suicide, and see her before dying. or ask for attention like a child would desire. so i ran away from home and i went there to see her. this made me give up a free trip with my foreigner friend tatak and her mother - to be walked over by ex-girlfriend and her family. they thought i was a criminal and i went there to kill her. but now i think they were truly right. i wasn't concerned about by my own life, it made me look dangerous. fear of death is a safety thought while dealing with others. who doesn't fear losing it's own life wouldn't matter with other minor losses, isn't it right? i regret being so naive. the news now show the case of a 22yo guy with a gun that hijacks his ex-girlfriend. 3 whole days negotiating with the police outside the apartment and it's not finished yet. somehow it reminds me of almodovar's movie, atame. but the guy in the movie hijacks the woman trying to conquer her, not fix a broken relationship. in the end, i regret that relationship. everything i learned from that was what NOT to do.

and now i have another girlfriend, ana. she wanted to do all the crazy things i did for my ex. i didn't. now she is the one coming here. but she is sane enough to not leave everything behind. she will be here the whole november. only one month. her excuse to not stay here is that she promised to a american guy she would be his guide in his trip to brazil. she said it's only friendship, and if i traveled with tatak she wouldn't be jealous at all. unfortunately, the first time we fought and broke apart was after she became jealous of tatak when i used the nickname temur. after that i began to use the nickname erva d'aninha.

last week i was busy trying to finish some schoolwork. or uni work, i don't know. i had to make a circuit and build that. when i finished building it and after it was examined by my teacher, a loose wire touched my circuit and it shortcircuited. the wires melted and it shined as a camera flash. someday i will be an electrical engineer. i hope my customers won't know my past. (and i'm registering that now)

last weekend i went to my parents' home. all i did was work for my mother and sleep. there was a huge catholic party in belém and it was a mess. but we can't blame people faith for the traffic jams made by their procession. they are the majority of the inhabitants. the unsatisfied that leave the city. and it was what i did. but i can't forget that it was late night and i was invited to play soccer. it had been more than 4 years that i hadn't played soccer. i almost scored a goal. my own goal. but i failed, fortunately. and my legs hurt a bit now. i didn't think that after all those weight training sessions a short soccer game could fatigue me until it hurt. but it did.

and, enough of myself. i have classes now and i must finish my studies before traveling overseas.